DEAD END

I've been ranting and ranting about this for so long... same issue! same old shit! But I'm still trap. Can't pull myself and really turn my back then just go away!

I always tell to myself that I'm tired. I don't want to go on and just accept the fact that I was defeated. But the moment I move forward, their is a strong force that is taking be aback. So, I'm at step one again. Fooling myself that it is just fine. It's just ego anyways...

When will I learn my lesson? When will I be tough in my decision to really let it go! No more 100th chance, no more starting all over again. NO MORE!

C.P.R.

I know... I know... Writing on this page is a bad sign. I'm not emotionally OK whenever I'm facing this computer with my blog on screen and tapping the key board. But I guess that what life is... Sometimes it gets messy and out of control.

I've been in a long term relationship... 5 years it is! It is not perfect (and no one has, right?) and way too far from being one. In fact, ours is synonymous to a bulb switch (on and off) but we learn to deal with it. Maturity? Norm? Love? Hmmm.... I think, all of them but I'm getting tried... almost on the verge of calling it quits because for so long, we cannot embrace each others differences. Meaning, if we are already married, that is actually a strong ground for annulment... irreconcilable differences. hahaha

I always check myself, my dealings with him...and admittedly, I have my short comings. I'm not patient. I get easily irritated, stubborn, insensitive and sometimes asking for too much. But my gosh... given that we've been together for almost half a decade now, can't he just understand me? Allot more patience and sometimes make me feel good, beautiful and special.

Oh noh! I cannot believe that I'm ranting about this online when I could actually tell this to him face to face... Not that I'm scared to fuel a fight but more of tried of arguing in an unresolved issue. It is not worth my time.

And with that... I think this is enough! I will just let this post end this way... and how I wish, I could also do this to my so called relationship, just let it be! Que sera sera! and close whenever/ whatever I want to. Sigh!

BLACK AND BLUE

I provoked it!

Everything was hazy. Surreal!

Then suddenly a slow mo--- just like in pulp fiction thrill movie.

I saw it coming and yet I didn't even try to block nor move to protect myself

But the moment I felt the weight of his palm... I knew, SOON it will be over.

BUSTED!!!

And so the light from the small room blinks on and off... I look at it with mere curiosity then as I stare at it longer, I find myself transporting into another dimension... a world so familiar to me... a world that I once dreamt...

As I enter in this world, I was greeted by a lot of recognizable faces... I tried to give my best smile but they don't seem to notice my existence... I walk slowly... heard voices, laughter and whining...

Then, I found a wooden bench... I sit for a while wondering what's going on with my surrounding? What's going on inside me? What happened to this world? Why it suddenly becomes a battle field and a confusing maze?

Jes!!! Jes!!! Jes!!! Someone is calling my name... His voice echoed.

I look around... then responded to his call. But he doesn't seem to hear me...

I scream... I scream so loud... I know, anyone in the right frame of mind and in good health condition can hear my voice... But no one's responding to my call...

Then...as I was about to cry...

A ray of light blinded my eyes... then realized that the blinking light suddenly turns... BUSTED!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS...

It's been a long time... It's funny how there's so much I wanna say...But where should I begin? How could I ever find every strength to talk about this? What words can I possibly use just to make every description fit?

Note: NEVER MAKE ME FEEL LESS HUMAN!!!

What hurts is that since you are strong
They would not think that you were ever weak
Since you are a leader, you were never a follower
Since you soar high, you never touched the ground...

It is unfair to box you and less think of your emotions
I do feel the ground beneath my feet
I smell the flowers once in awhile
SO NEVER LET ME FEEL LESS HUMAN...

I am perfectly fine
There is nothing wrong with me
STAB ME AND I WILL BLEED...
CURSE ME AND I WILL STUMBLE...

I am a person with feelings, like the rest of you
But you made me feel invincible yet I am weak
So I bleed...stumble...
Cry and breakdown...

CRASH

They say relationships are like learning how to ride a bike. Once you get the hang of it, you'll never forget it... You want to ride on it over and over again until you reach that happily ever after land...

Mine is such a bumpy ride... Until now, after almost 3 years, I still cannot grip my balance... Hence, I always fall...get hurt... bleed... hahaha. (Now I understand why my Dad did not allow me to ride on a bike when I was young...I should listen to him... tsk tsk. tsk. poor me.)

In times like this, when I'm not busy and have the chance to analyze things too much...( well, talk about analysis-paralysis you know... I have that sickness by the way... hahaha) I always look back to the time when me and my significant other was starting our relationship...

We didn't start in a traditional way like Hi-Hello...What's your number...Let's go out way...
We didn't have that courtship ek ek stage. We just fall and that's it...In fact, I always consider our relationship as an accident... not a bloody accident but a beautiful one...

Intramuros was our haven then...Its historic walls were the silent witnesses of how our love grows and flourish... And while writing this, I could still imagine how happy we were before...
We walked holding hands ( ehemmm... pasway- sway pa...) until our feet hurts... then ate isaw, fish balls and sago gulaman... It was a cheap date but very memorable... Very memorable that I could actually see it vividly until now.

I cannot continue anymore... I want to end this with those heart-melting memories... and with a note to my tabs...my loves...hehehe (malandi!)

You're one accident that I'll be willing to crash into time and time again... even if it kills me...

1Million Peso Question...Repost!!!

What do I want? I want someone whom I can call in the middle of the night without having to worry if I was going to be a nuisance to his slumber. That my calling him at such an ungodly hour meant he was that important to me that I chose him to talk to and not anyone else. And he would appreciate that. He would pretend I didn’t wake him up because he was watching late night re-runs of some pathetic sitcom anyway and push his lie further by telling me he was glad I called just so I wouldn’t feel neglected. Even if we both know he was probably way into never ever land and if I were anyone else he would’ve sent me flying there with my head between my legs. But since it was me, he would stick a needle in his eye to keep himself awake if he had to. And I would appreciate that.

What do I want? I want someone who would call me at the spur of the moment, out of the blue just because he had the urge to hear me. That his calling me at such spontaneous moments meant I was that irresistible to him he couldn’t wait for any right time to let me know he was thinking about me. And I would appreciate that. I would drop whatever it is I am doing, hold my horses and let time stop. And he would appreciate that.

What do I want? I want to be a girl sometimes. I want to be able to throw tantrums, be a brat, or turn melodramatic on some silly situation and I wouldn’t care if my being those things would affect how he feels about me because that’s who I am. That telling and showing him what I really feel means I’m that comfortable in his presence and I don’t see the need to suppress my emotions because I know he would love me just the same. And he would appreciate that. He wouldn’t tolerate my tantrums but make sure I know he understands where it’s coming from and not just tell me he does just so I would shut up but sees to it he follows through. And I would more than just appreciate that.

What do I want? I want to be with someone who doesn’t have to be told what I want because he would know. He would know that I like being with him so he would be there with and for me. No questions asked. He would know that a girl likes to be appreciated, complimented, and made to feel important. And he would do all that not only because he knows it’s what I want, but because it’s what he wants to do.And we would both appreciate it.

(these are the answers my love...until you read my blog...until you will be sensitive enough.)