PUSH AND PULL

I was supposed to write this to you but I 'd rather not because you might find this in the wrong context. More than three months, these has been very tough for both of us. We're hanging on something that we don't even know if it still exist. Partly, I should be blamed on this because I did not ask, I just let everything fell into place thinking that somehow you will be courageous enough to figure out what's wrong and what should be done to fix it. But for three months, I can't remember a single instance wherein you bothered to reach out.

There were few exchanged of messages and status likes on Facebook but still everything is a blur. Often times it crossed my mind to talk to you and face this head on but what's holding me back is the thought that "For once, prove to me that I'm worthy to keep". That when I turn my back on you, you will cling and ask me back. Sadly, you didn't do anything. And it pains me thinking that you didn't try nor ask anything. At least, just for the record or just to make me feel good.

You told me you had your tattoo and it's my name on your back. For some, it was sweet but not for me. You don't have to hurt yourself or put anything permanent on your body just to please me. What I'm waiting is for an apology. Sincere apology on all the things that you did which hurt my feelings and self esteem too badly.

All along, I thought I'm fine. Or perhaps, trying to be Ok but lately, I have this roller coaster of emotions. I'm in a push and pull state of mind. Weighing things so I will not get hurt too bad. How I love to talk to you personally, how I love to see you again and settle all the unanswered questions.  I don't know if you're feeling the same way but I'm wondering who will raise the white flag. Who will stand up and put everything in the right perspective?

Are we giving each other time? Time to breath? Time to think things over? Or are we just waiting for the feeling to fade and for the relationship to take its natural death? I'm torn between these questions. My logic cannot figured it out. I want a clear answer so I will know what to do, so I can take the next step and course of action.

More than 5 years...  it's bitter sweet! Full of good memories to cling to. And full of pain as well. Those years thought me a lot of things, about Life, sacrifice and loving unconditionally. And for that, I will forever be grateful. If not for you, I will not discover that I'm capable of loving someone so badly.  So bad that I'm willing to sacrifice myself just to be with you. So bad that I keep on forgetting all your lies and just go on. So bad that despite all the betrayal , I cannot hate you and still want to see you.

It is unfair to ask if you're feeling the same thing. But what I'm hoping is you realize that despite your shortcomings, there is someone beside your parents who can accept you as you are. That sometime in your life, someone treated you so special and love you unconditionally not because you are good but because you are you. Let these pictures be our reminder of our LIFE AND LOVE TOGETHER. Until we see again...

VERSUS!

The background music keeps on playing... Perhaps, the song represents my sentiment on my current state. For the past months, I think I manage to keep myself in a happy disposition despite the emotional turmoil I put myself into. Is that good? Or would it take its toll in the future? 

Honestly, I'm just going on with the flow. I just let everything take its own time and hope that this roller coaster of emotions will end soon. It just sucks! I think i need to see a shrink. I'm also thinking to face the situation head on so I could put closure on issues that keep on bothering me. But the problem is,  I'm still gathering a lot of guts to do so. It is something that I'm not certain I could make a firm stance. WEAKNESS it is!

I'm revisiting our pictures while I'm writing this. We look so happy together. We look so in love and seems enjoying each others company. Indeed, I miss you... I miss us! I will not deny that sometimes I'm enjoying T_ _ _ _E 's company but that's just it. He's a nice guy, has good paying job, kind and responsible. Exactly your opposite.  But for some reason I cannot fully fathom that we can be an item of some sort. It scares me sometimes. He's too good to be true but we're very much compatible. We have the same taste of music, I believe we share the same principles on various matters but it just didn't seem right. Maybe because I know that he's not as friendly as you.  He's not as cowboy as you. He's not the type that will make an effort to go to the office and wait for hours just to be with me. I don't want to be judgmental but for me,  he's not man enough to keep up with my insanities and inanities. Did I just say not man enough? Or what I wanted to say is... HE 'S NOT YOU! I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU!

DEAD END

I've been ranting and ranting about this for so long... same issue! same old shit! But I'm still trap. Can't pull myself and really turn my back then just go away!

I always tell to myself that I'm tired. I don't want to go on and just accept the fact that I was defeated. But the moment I move forward, their is a strong force that is taking be aback. So, I'm at step one again. Fooling myself that it is just fine. It's just ego anyways...

When will I learn my lesson? When will I be tough in my decision to really let it go! No more 100th chance, no more starting all over again. NO MORE!

C.P.R.

I know... I know... Writing on this page is a bad sign. I'm not emotionally OK whenever I'm facing this computer with my blog on screen and tapping the key board. But I guess that what life is... Sometimes it gets messy and out of control.

I've been in a long term relationship... 5 years it is! It is not perfect (and no one has, right?) and way too far from being one. In fact, ours is synonymous to a bulb switch (on and off) but we learn to deal with it. Maturity? Norm? Love? Hmmm.... I think, all of them but I'm getting tried... almost on the verge of calling it quits because for so long, we cannot embrace each others differences. Meaning, if we are already married, that is actually a strong ground for annulment... irreconcilable differences. hahaha

I always check myself, my dealings with him...and admittedly, I have my short comings. I'm not patient. I get easily irritated, stubborn, insensitive and sometimes asking for too much. But my gosh... given that we've been together for almost half a decade now, can't he just understand me? Allot more patience and sometimes make me feel good, beautiful and special.

Oh noh! I cannot believe that I'm ranting about this online when I could actually tell this to him face to face... Not that I'm scared to fuel a fight but more of tried of arguing in an unresolved issue. It is not worth my time.

And with that... I think this is enough! I will just let this post end this way... and how I wish, I could also do this to my so called relationship, just let it be! Que sera sera! and close whenever/ whatever I want to. Sigh!

BLACK AND BLUE

I provoked it!

Everything was hazy. Surreal!

Then suddenly a slow mo--- just like in pulp fiction thrill movie.

I saw it coming and yet I didn't even try to block nor move to protect myself

But the moment I felt the weight of his palm... I knew, SOON it will be over.

BUSTED!!!

And so the light from the small room blinks on and off... I look at it with mere curiosity then as I stare at it longer, I find myself transporting into another dimension... a world so familiar to me... a world that I once dreamt...

As I enter in this world, I was greeted by a lot of recognizable faces... I tried to give my best smile but they don't seem to notice my existence... I walk slowly... heard voices, laughter and whining...

Then, I found a wooden bench... I sit for a while wondering what's going on with my surrounding? What's going on inside me? What happened to this world? Why it suddenly becomes a battle field and a confusing maze?

Jes!!! Jes!!! Jes!!! Someone is calling my name... His voice echoed.

I look around... then responded to his call. But he doesn't seem to hear me...

I scream... I scream so loud... I know, anyone in the right frame of mind and in good health condition can hear my voice... But no one's responding to my call...

Then...as I was about to cry...

A ray of light blinded my eyes... then realized that the blinking light suddenly turns... BUSTED!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS...

It's been a long time... It's funny how there's so much I wanna say...But where should I begin? How could I ever find every strength to talk about this? What words can I possibly use just to make every description fit?

Note: NEVER MAKE ME FEEL LESS HUMAN!!!

What hurts is that since you are strong
They would not think that you were ever weak
Since you are a leader, you were never a follower
Since you soar high, you never touched the ground...

It is unfair to box you and less think of your emotions
I do feel the ground beneath my feet
I smell the flowers once in awhile
SO NEVER LET ME FEEL LESS HUMAN...

I am perfectly fine
There is nothing wrong with me
STAB ME AND I WILL BLEED...
CURSE ME AND I WILL STUMBLE...

I am a person with feelings, like the rest of you
But you made me feel invincible yet I am weak
So I bleed...stumble...
Cry and breakdown...