PSYCHO

Just when Mayon Volcano was speculated to be exploding few months back, I wrote this piece. It was a sudden burst of emotion...emotion filled of absurdity that i ended asking myself am I psychologically decapitated?

THOUGHT IN A LIMBO...

AUGUST 07, 2006
MONDAY -2:18 A.M.
WHILE WAITING FOR MY ALBAY PULL-OUT @4 a.m.
TOTALLY SLEEPY BUT I’M AFRAID TO TAKE A NAP…(probably because of “sukob”)

IT’S JUST THIS RARE MOMENT WHERE I’ M IN SOLITUDE TO WRITE WHAT’S BUGGING IN MY MIND…PERHAPS IT’S BECAUSE OF THE WEATHER (IT’S RAINING OUTSIDE BY THE WAY), EMPTINESS OF THE OFFICE, BOREDOM, OR MAYBE SUDDEN REALIZATION…

Another day will begin yet it doesn’t seem new to me. Another sunlight will shed upon the trees and grasses yet it won’t make me feel new the way they do. The clock seems to tick so fast nowadays and yet I don’t seem so affected. And though the world is going under so many changes everyday my inner self doesn’t feel the same. I’m somehow trap in my own world never allowing anyone to struggle with me. Things I consider passion before were all gone without a trace, without a reason, they were just gone. Like steam, like smoke they suddenly disappeared and I got no memory of tracing them. I'll go again and proceed to my worthless life and yet I don’t feel worthless. My mind tells me that I exist for something very significant yet I can’t reach that reason, I can’t reach the very reason I exist or maybe I’m just too blind to see it. The life itself might have blinded me from looking back at the fact that I exist for God, and I know that but I can’t grasp the truth or maybe the reality itself. I seem to be lodging to a huge limbo that I thought I could escape but it seems that my self is looking for something else. Something that would affect me very much. Things had happen and I can’t do anything to turn back the time. Time has been wasted indeed. Mistakes had been done and yet it had thought me great things yet I don’t feel satisfied. I know the fact that somewhere deeper in me hungers for something else; something even I can’t describe or maybe I’m still trying to figure it out. I have seen death, sufferings and many other that will subdue life to its very piece still I feel no content. Today I have done nothing promising. My search for that reason is still in vain. I have been thinking many things, my ambitions, my destiny, my fate, and my future yet I can’t decide where to proceed. Everything has their end and I might as well end this search within this week, month, year...this I don’t know yet. And it doesn’t matter if it happens on a split second or even a minute or two but importantly should change the very way I live my life. I have tons of problems I’m dealing with and each night I think of them with odd anxiety. What would be the best way to live my life? Of course I know the answers but seems to me that they're lacking, seems to me that I need the final ingredients to perform my recipe. Music had entice my hunger for some time yet my passion for it had been long disappearing, technology had entertained me for a while yet I don’t feel satisfied anymore, my vices had occupied me for awhile but it seems that I have lost the will to continue it. Books and many other articles had fed me great things but now it had left me. Everywhere outside on my home seems like a new place to me. Faces that used to be my comrades seem to have gotten the tarmac of a stranger. My friends, they suddenly feel like strangers. My workplace for the first time had suddenly become a big world. And every face on the crowd looks so suspicious. My mind is in chaos right now. I’m really lost at everything. I have been neglecting many things. Why? Have I lost my self-control? Have my self-pity eaten all the conscience left on me? Have this wretched world poisoned my mind? Have I been affected without knowing it? Or am I just so stubborn to listen to my own self! Have I been neglecting my heart that long that it had stopped speaking to me? Have I been so arrogantly foolish that everything inside me had walk away and left me alone? And what the hell am I doing not sleeping and typing all these nonsense on this stupid computer… 4:03 a.m.